#bc i am so used to starving that now i just take it as normal | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hrryshoney · 10 months ago

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no. 1 party anthem

A/N: lowkey projecting bc im a photographer/videographer❤️ this is set during like self-titled. if u could tell. named this after the AM song bc i think it fits (the bridge of this song is so them coded) this is unnecessarily long (6.1k words) but anyway Enjoy

warnings: smut 18+. um fingering, p in v unprotected sex, oral (m and f receiving), masturbation a bit? (male), degradation, praise, use of a camera during sex, Sir kink, exhibitionism (kinda), sex on a couch, light choking/slapping (blink and miss it!), probs more kinda filthy etc..

Today was shit. Complete and utter shit. Your alarm didn’t go off, you spilled coffee all over yourself, had to go home to change, and you were going to be late to your first clients appointment. It’s only 8:30, and you could already tell it was going to be a bad day.

Your first client was booked at 7:45. You only had four appointments today. Normally, you’d be a bit more booked out. But, your last clients would take up more time than usual. An up-and-coming band you heard, that were quite popular already. Their management had informed them about your local studio, and an appointment was made.

Upon walking into your studio promptly at 8:00, you saw that your best friend was stalling for you. She had your first client engulfed in mindless conversation. God love her, Lexi knew how to keep a crowd entertained. Really, showing up 15 minutes late wasn’t a good look. You were glad she was here to null some of the damage.

As you walked up to them, you caught the tail end of her gossiping, no doubt. You placed your hand on Lexi’s shoulder, startling her out of conversation. “Oh! Let me get out of your way. I was just telling Christian how my last shift at the diner was absolute madness. As always, though. He’s all checked in. Have fun, hope the shoot goes well!” You shot her an appreciative smile, then an apologetic one to Christian.

Stepping out of the lobby and leading him to the studio, you were face to face with him. “I am so, so sorry I kept you waiting. This morning was one from hell, for sure.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry. Shit happens.” He smiled back at you, following you into the room.

You were grateful for his understanding, hoping it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience. You prided yourself on being punctual and professional. Thankfully, the studio was already set up for his shoot

You took the lens cap off your camera and began to set up your tripod for some head shots. Flipping the camera switch to ON, you then turned to Christian.

“Let’s get started.”

…

Your next 2 appointments went on without a hitch. They were both fairly basic shoots, nothing too heavy. Your 2nd client was even a regular. She was so lovely. Today she came in to get maternity photos with her husband. Considering how long she’s been coming to your studio, you were ecstatic for her.

You were still a bit out of it and tired though, the effects of your morning not completely worn off yet. You had an hour and 45 minutes before your last clients for the day came in. The band that you’ve been anticipating.

It was 11:34 now, so you were taking this as an opportunity for your lunch break. You decided to go to the sandwich shop that was about a block down from your studio. Walking out of the darkroom in your facility, (some guests preferred genuine photographic film) you spotted Lexi. Still behind the front desk, but now on a stool, slouched and looking at her phone. Mindlessly scrolling, she was kicking her feet back and forth as they dangled from her place in her seat.

“Hungry?” You came up beside her, tapping her thigh twice. Lexi was pulled out of whatever she was watching on her phone, looking up at you. “Mhm, starving. Lunch?”

“On me,” You confirmed, “thought we could get it in before our last clients. They’re gonna take a while, but I’m looking forward to it.” You said honestly, looking out the studio’s glass windows to the street. “Have we ever shot a band?” You use the term ‘we’ loosely. When you and your best friend both got a start, you always knew that you were going to be more hands-on. She didn’t necessarily share the passion for photography, but when she had no shifts picked up for her service job at the local diner, she would pay you a visit. She stuck beside you, and you’re thankful for it.

Lexi does most of the behind the scenes work for you when she’s there, and it would honestly be 10x harder without her. “Don’t think so. I would have remembered that. Every guy in a band is, like, insanely hot.” She hopped off her stool, beat white converse hitting the ground.

“Good to know where your priorities are. Hopefully they’re cooperative.” You wondered aloud, you knew they were young. That normally meant they would be rowdy, too. Four guys around your age was bad news in general, even worse that they’re musicians. “Hopefully they’re hot.” Lexi corrects, too caught up in picking at her nail beds to see your expression.

She had you laughing out loud. Wide eyes and an even wider grin on your face. “Right, extra incentive.” You picked up your keys to the front door that were lying on one of the shelves under the front desk. Checking your watch and walking to the door, you flipped the sign to CLOSED so you and Lex could grab a bite in peace.

…

You and Lexi wasted more time than you thought. You were out for at least an hour, having went shopping after eating. You both decided you could use a new outfit. Not for anything particular, but just to treat yourselves. Then, you traveled back to the studio.

30 minutes until your next client, you still had time to kill. You went to read the email from their management, again. You saw they specifically wanted a couch in their shoot. You should probably set up their studio now. You knew you had an old, black leather couch in the back somewhere. Finding it would be the hard part.

It wouldn’t be in any of your front studios, so you decided to check the last one first. Studio 13, it was more of a storage room now. When you first leased this place, you were pretty sure it used to be a one-level warehouse. You’re never booked to the point where you’re using all the studios, and you don’t have enough staffing anyway. Still, it cleans up nicely.

You end up shouting for Lex’s help dragging the big couch to your front studio. You had already set up a white tarp for your backdrop, knowing it was a pretty minimalistic shoot. As you lug the couch along the concrete floor, the feet of it scraping against it to make a rather brash noise, you began to think the soft, calming music that you queued to combat it wasn’t working very well.

You finally push the last bit of the couch into the studio, dragging it in front of the white tarp. Lexi raised her hand for a high five, which you gladly reciprocate. You look at her with a grin. “Not bad, huh? Little studio we got going.” You both laugh, staring at the quite bleak set.

“Best in town,” Lex returns dryly, she steps out and looks to the front windows. “Those your clients?” Before you even look, you answer. Albeit sarcastically, “And I’m supposed to know, how? I’ve never met these people before.” But the words died in your throat the moment you looked. They had to be your next clients. You didn’t think anyone could fit the bill for ‘band members’ more perfectly.

So, there they were. Smoking and loitering outside the studio. And Lexi was right, because she always had to be. They were hot. No sooner than you think it, the words are coming out her mouth. “Christ, they’re handsome.” All of them wearing some short of black getup, with tight jeans and t-shirts. One boy, with longer, blonde hair, had his sunglasses on with a snapback. She laughs through her sentence in disbelief, a hand coming to her mouth. You can’t help but follow suit.

“Right, well. Even if they are, he best not ash his cig in my flower pots.” You squinted your eyes, the cigarette resting between the boys middle and index figure. Trailing your gaze to his face, he had dark curly hair. A pale complexion with deep brown eyes, cheeks sunken in as he took a drag of his cigarette. The face that, after you finished staring, you saw was looking right at you with a half-smirk. You smiled back and looked to Lex, taking a step back into the front studio. “He saw me.”

“You weren’t exactly being subtle, but oh well. That’s the one you want?” She raises her eyebrows in a tease, a wide grin splitting across her lips. Your face and body heat, eyes widening. “Can you not? I need to be professional. This is the real deal, you know? They’ve got management and everything.” You didn’t wanna blow your shot, you knew this was the foot in the door to bigger things. Cute band members were not taking this one from you.

Your hands came subconsciously to brush at your outfit, looking down at yourself to see if you looked presentable. You could practically hear your best friend’s thoughts, and the smirk on her face. You ignored her.

The bell on your door rang with entrance, and you turned to see one of the guys walking in. He had shorter dirty blonde hair, and you could see one of the others stomping on his cigarette before following behind.

Putting on your customer service smile, you took a few steps back to make room for the 4 men in the lobby. You scooted closer to Lexi, suddenly feeling outnumbered. Four sets of eyes were now looking back at you. Two brunettes, one who had closer to black hair. Two blondes, one whose was longer and lighter.

“Nice to meet you,” You sighed out, their intimidating gazes piercing. “So, um, welcome to our studio.” You introduced the both of you, giving your name and Lexi’s. Gesturing between the two of you with a wave of your hand.

They went down the line doing the same. Ross, Matty, Adam, and George. In that order, introductions exchanged in their thick accents through giggles. The boy you had taken interest in you now knew as Matty, and he was only drawing you in more.

“Well, we can get started on your session early since… you’re here.” You looked to the group, waiting for some sort of approval. You got a couple head nods, and a smirk from Matty.

“That eager to get us in, babe?” He chuckled, knocking his shoulder into his friend’s playfully. You felt embarrassment flood through you, but you led them to the studio with your head up.

“Sure. So, Studio 13. I’ll get a lot of ‘full band’ shots, but your manager said he wanted some solo shots of the each of you, too. Think it’ll be easier to get the group ones now, though.” You told them, wringing your hands slightly.

There was a small murmur of agreement, and you turned around to get your camera ready. Checking your lens, SD card, battery. “Whatever you think, you’re the pro.” Your head shot up, seeing Ross smile reassuringly at you. You returned the gesture and got back to work.

As you walked around the room to flick your lights on, you saw Matty shooting his friend a look. You didn’t think too much of it, but your eyes couldn’t stop finding his face. You were gonna have fun photographing him solo. “Okay, everyone! Get together, pose, do whatever you want. I’ll take a bunch of shots.”

After a few pictures, you stopped. Lowering your camera. “Maybe.. We should get you in the middle.” You pointed at Matty, him freezing in his place at the end of the line. “I mean, you’re just…” You trailed off, hoping he’d get the point.

George spoke up, saving you from having to complete your sentence. “She’s saying you’re the shortest, mate. Get in the middle.” He snickered, hand raising to his mouth to hide his smile.

Matty’s smile dropped, shoving his friend’s shoulder. “Whatever,” he muttered, moving to his new spot. “Better?” He tried to hold back his laugh, but was failing over the sound of his friends chuckles in the background.

Once you got them started, you could see they really were naturals. You assumed their close bond caused them to work so well and naturally together. Joking around, but still getting good shots.

However, this perception faded when you had to go in for the solos. Of course, above anything, they were boys. And they were also making your job a living hell. No matter who you were photographing, the other three were trying to get a laugh. Anything to make their friend break.

Your last straw was when you tried to get a photo of Adam, and Matty all but fell into his lap. You laughed along, (because truly, it really was just a little bit funny), but forced yourself back into work mode.

“Okay, this isn’t working. How about for the solo shots the rest of you stand out in the hallway? And we get a little rotation.” You suggested, trying to make yourself sound as light hearted as possible. Though a wave of whines passed over the group, they ultimately agreed in the end.

Working with them one-on-one was really nice. The two guys you shot so far, Adam and George, were very intelligent and funny. Unnaturally respectful for men your age, and you really couldn’t complain.

You finished both of them up, their mini shoots taking about 15 minutes each. You went back in the hallway you collect another one of them.

Adam and George now stood to the side, leaving Matty and Ross to linger right outside the door. You opened the door, looking at both of them and keeping your palm on the door handle. “Who’s next?”

Ross’ eyes went to Matty’s, about to step backwards and let him go. Then, Matty’s arm shot out to land on Ross’ shoulder. It seemed he tried to give his friend a shove forward, but the most he got out of Ross was a stumble. “Ross will go next. Save the best for last and all that, right?”

You giggled at Matty’s antics, while the rest of his friends let out sighs and eye rolls. Ross mumbled something under his breath, a sarcastic ‘right, sure..’ was the most you caught. You then lead him into the studio, closing the door on your way.

Ross’ session took about 5 minutes more than the others. He was incessantly flirting, making it hard to do your job. And while there was no denying that he was very cute, you knew they were all harmless comments.

You were finding out quickly that the boys were good company. And the shots were all turning out more than great. They were all so naturally photogenic, and the camera loved them. You doubted you’d have to do much editing.

…

You walked out with Ross, on your way to finally bring Matty in. You two lightly chatted on your way out, Matty’s eyes landing on you the second the door opened. He looked at Ross and tilted his head, to which the taller boy only looked down at him and grinned.

You broke the awkward silence, clapping your hands together. “Right, well. Matty, last but not least and all that.” You step back and put your hands up, gesturing for him to step in before you.

Once you finally got him away from the rest of the band and you closed the door, his whole demeanor shifted. Matty turned around instantly to look at you, and you looked down to the floor. You could see his smile through your periphery.

“Okay, so. For the rest of the guys I got a few of them standing and a few of them sitting on the couch…” You trail off, looking around the room. At this point, you’re just desperately trying to avoid eye contact with him. Maybe saving him for last wasn’t the brightest idea.

“Okay,” Matty nods his head, eyes following yours and looking around the studio. “Should I.. get on the couch?” He says offhandedly, a hand coming to hide the smirk that’s blooming on his face.

You feel your face get hot, but you agree anyway. “Um, yeah. That’ll work.” You walk over to the studio light, dragging it in place from where you moved it when with Ross.

After getting the area set up, you turn back to Matty. He’s looking at you expectantly, waiting for direction. “You can just pose however you want. I’ll just take a bunch of shots and there’s bound to be some keepers.” You smile and turn your camera on, fiddling with the settings.

“Have to tell me if I’m doing good, then. Don’t know what I’m doing when I pose, to be honest.” He laughs, moving in his seat a bit. You scoff, still too preoccupied with your camera to realize you did it out loud. “What?” he asks intrigued, still smiling.

“Don’t think you could really look bad. I mean, you’re photogenic and good looking to begin with, so.” You press your lips together, the words flowing out of your mouth too freely. You turn around and walk to a cart that’s in the corner of the room, pretending to grab something from it.

“Yeah, sweetheart? Think I look good?” His smile grows unbelievably wider, not being able to hold back his teasing remarks. You roll your eyes, obviously not meaning the blatant compliment to come out. You come closer to him and he kicks his knee out so it brushes your thigh.

Trying to brush it off, you shrug your shoulders. “You caught me,” You said with the faintest smirk on your face. Taking photos of him flows naturally. He’s just too.. perfect. And though you don’t throw that word around, he really is. You already love the few shots you have of him.

You get down on your knees to take the next picture from a better angle, leaning back on your calves as you do. Matty’s eyes widen and immediately find yours. It doesn’t register in your head what he’s thinking, until you see him shift in his seat.

He doesn’t do it subtly, and you know he wants you to look. You’re no better, so easily giving into temptation. Your eyes drag to his hips, watching the way he lifts himself off the couch momentarily.

“Alright, babe?” He calls, drawing your attention back up to his face. Though, your gaze lingers on his mouth. He winks at you.

“Should I be asking you that instead?” You hide behind the camera, snapping more pictures. You remembered the promise you made to Lexi and yourself. Be professional.

He chuckled, bringing his hands to run them along his thighs. “Only if you’re gonna help me out.” His eyes search yours for an answer, and you can only guess that you look as desperate as you feel. You nod.

His hands run higher, rubbing over the tent in his jeans. “Gonna need your words, then.” He smirks, and you feel so out of control. But it feels nice.

“Yes, please. I’ll help you.” You get up from your spot on the floor, ready to move towards him. Matty’s hand presses on himself harder, and he groans.

“Ah,” He tsks, stopping you in your tracks. “Don’t get to touch me yet, we’re not done our photo shoot.” He smiles, which then gets interrupted with a moan. The only thing you’re focusing on is how he works himself with his hand.

“Please, Matty. Need you.” You’re already begging him, but you don’t dare move from your spot. Because you want to be good for him. You feel the pit in your stomach, and then the pool of arousal in your panties.

“C’mon, take a picture of me baby. Isn’t that your job?” Matty throws his head back, palming himself through his jeans even more. You feel your knees weaken, the camera suddenly heavier in your hand.

You bring the camera up to your face, looking through the view finder. Matty looks sinful. You clench your thighs together and his hips lift off the couch even more, a whimper falling past his lips. You take the photo.

“Knew you’d be so fucking eager. Could see ya eye fucking me since we got here.” Matty starts to unzip his pants, allowing his cock to be less constrained by the pressure. You don’t even think when your finger hits the button.

“Like you weren’t doing the same?” You shoot back, voice coming out breathier than intended. He lifted his hips up, pulling his jeans down past his thighs. He was left in his black Calvin Klein boxers. The imprint of his hard cock very much visible.

He strokes himself over his boxers, mouth parting slightly. “Watch that mouth, thought you were a good girl.” He groans out through gritted teeth. “Come here.”

You obey, of course. Walking straight to him, though your mouth gets the best of you. “Maybe you thought wrong.” You say with an innocent smile, the toes of your shoes hitting his. He grabs your wrist, bringing it to his dick. He moves your hand up and down, letting you feel all of him.

“Wanna be a brat for me, baby? Come on, take me out. I’ve got another use for that mouth.” You reach for his waistband, your camera still in your other hand. He notices the compromising position and takes it from you. You expect him to put it to the side, but he keeps it in his hand. “Get back on your knees.”

You lower yourself down, pulling Matty out fully. He’s pretty. His cock is long and thick, the tip slightly red with precum beading out from touching himself. “So big, Sir.” You look up at him through your lashes, pumping him twice. He whines out.

“Sir, huh?” He smirks, throat gravelly. You work your hands around his length more. Then, you hear it. The camera shutter. You look up, his eyes looking through the viewfinder.

“Can I suck you off?” You bat your eyelashes, waiting for permission. Matty’s hands falter, bringing the camera down slightly. He hums.

“Mhm, take your top off, sweetheart. Leave your bra and leggings.” You pull your hands off him, swiping your shirt over your head. You were wearing a blue bra with lace trim, and it pushed your tits together nicely. Thank you, Lord.

Matty started to pump his cock when your hand left, now working himself faster. “Open your mouth.” You submitted to him, quickly sticking your tongue out. You subconsciously pushed your breasts together with your elbows.

Matty slapped his dick on your tongue, loving the way your moans vibrated around him. He teased you, taking himself away to take another picture. “Please, please Sir.” You rock yourself on your heel, the desperation growing.

“Little slut,” He giggles, pressing his cock into your mouth. Groaning out when you close your lips around him. You could only take a little more than half of him in your mouth, swirling your tongue around his tip.

Your hands came up to work the rest of what didn’t fit. “Made for this, to take my cock.” You whined around him at that. Hollowing your cheeks and pulling off a bit. You say something around him that he can’t make out, and he bucks into your mouth.

Matty’s hand comes to rest on the back of your head, hand tangling in your hair. “Like that? Wanna be my fucktoy?” You nod around him, bringing one of your hands to rub yourself over your leggings. Matty guides your head down on him until you gag, letting you pull off and take a breath.

Tears welling in your eyes, you swallow your saliva and look back up at him. “I’m okay, please keep going. I like it.” You respond to the concerned look in his eyes, and he nods. Before you take him in your mouth again, you spit back on his cock.

“Fucking hell, shit.” Matty moans, throwing his head back on the frame of the couch. He pushes your head down again, making you take his whole cock in your mouth. You don’t gag this time, and he starts to move his hips.

He’s fucking your mouth, and you’ve never been more turned on in your life. You felt your knees starting to bruise, and you rubbed your cunt faster. The only thing separating you being two layers of fabric.

He pulled you off of him, then. Looking at you touching yourself. “Getting off on making me feel good? S’pathetic, baby.” He teased you, and you heard the camera go off yet again. “C’mon, up here. Gonna make you feel good.”

What a gentleman, you think. Not coming before you. The thought makes you giggle, but it’s interrupted by your own shriek when he pulls you onto the couch. He places you on his thigh, grinding you down against him. Your whines are constant and he’s not letting up. “Please, Matty. I want you.” You whimper.

Matty pulls his shirt over his head, throwing it to the side. You state shamelessly, taking in all of his tattoos. They make him even more attractive, and you know you’re only feeding his ego with your wide eyes and parted lips.

He flips your position, and now Matty’s on his knees before you. He pulls your leggings off briskly. Then, you’re only left in a bra and panties. He presses over the wet spot on your panties, and you jolt. He hooks his finger in them, and pulls them to the side.

His fingers run through your wetness, and you’re practically glistening under the studio lights. He slips his middle finger inside of you, but it’s gone as soon as it came. You squirm, needing to feel any kind of friction. He pulls you closer to him by your thighs, spreading your legs wide.

He’s just staring for a few minutes, until you feel him blow a gust of cold air onto your exposed cunt. You scream out, hips bucking off the couch. Matty lightly slaps your inner thigh. “Sh, don’t want our friends to know what a whore you are, right? Giving it up so easy for a guy you just met.” You hear the smirk in his words, his accent becoming thicker and breathing more rapid.

Without warning, he licks a bold stripe up the center of your pussy. You put your hand in front of your mouth, muffling the moans. Matty sees this, however, and has a different idea. He says something without lifting up from you, the feeling of his mouth making your eyes roll back. Finally, he pulls off of you. “Camera.”

You whine, “Huh?” The camera is suddenly being placed in your hand, the weight making you shake more. “Only fair you get some pictures of me. Had your photoshoot, now it’s my turn.” And with that, his mouth is back on you.

Matty licks your clit, pursing his lips and sucking. Your legs start to shake, and he brings his hand around to insert his middle finger in your hole. Your whole body goes weak, the light grip you have on the camera not helping.

Matty continues eating you, and he’s messy with it. You feel your slick on your inner thighs. His tongue goes inside of you, slowly moving in circles. He pulls off again, watching you clench around nothing before shoving his face between your thighs.

Your moans are nonsensical, bucking your hips off the couch and squirming uncontrollably. Matty spits on your cunt, moving his hand to pinch at your clit. “Fuck! Oh my God, Matty. Don’t tease.”

“God or Me, which one?” He laughs, pressing a light kiss to your clit. “You haven’t taken any photos, Miss ‘pro’.” He brings up Ross’ words from earlier, the realization causing you to smile. The smile is wiped away, though, when he runs his two fingers through your slit and puts them inside of you.

Your mind clears, and you finally take a photo. You don’t even bother to check the shot anymore, just clicking the button mindlessly. Matty grins and curls his fingers inside you. His tongue laying flat against your clit.

He sucks on you again, scissoring his fingers slowly. “Mm, please, Sir. Gonna cum, please.” You beg, hoping he won’t take it away from you. That he’ll just allow you to let go. You take another picture, the top of his hair and bottom of your abdomen most likely the only things visual.

“C’mon, baby. Cum for me and I’ll give you what you really want. Fill you up with this cock.” He stutters in his words, and you realize his other hand went down to lightly stroke himself. More precum that he’s been using to lubricate himself.

You cum with a shout, that’s muffled by his lips on yours. Matty swallows your moans, sticking his tongue in your mouth instead. You can barely taste yourself on his tongue, and you ride his fingers through your orgasm. “Matty, Matty. Shit, thank you.” You pant, chest heaving.

“Good girl.” He pats the top of your head condescendingly, snickering. He stands back up to his full height. “Don’t thank me yet, ‘M just getting started with you.” His hand comes behind your back, unclipping your bra and letting it fall to your lap. “Lift your hips up, love.”

You do as he says, letting him pull your panties off. He throws both scraps of fabric somewhere on the grand. His hand immediately going towards your tits. He grabs a handful, and starts kissing down your neck.

“Sir, need you now. Can’t wait anymore.” Matty’s lips attach to your collarbone. He bites you, sucking on the spot. He licks over the red mark, moving to another spot on your neck to do the same.

“You’ll fuckin’ wait if I make you. Do anything to please me, right?” You nod, head rolling to rest on your shoulder. You finally feel satisfied when Matty takes his cock, resting it just above your pussy.

He lines himself up, but never goes where you need him. He keeps bumping your clit, every time making your body twitch. He holds your hip in place, the tip of his cock prodding at your entrance. The only coherent thing coming out of your mouth is please, mixes of Matty and Sir.

He puts his tip inside of you, feeling you clench and then quickly pulling out. You whine, trying to move down the couch and put him back in. “Beg for me if you want it so bad, baby.” Matty is hard, and you know he must be aching as bad as you are. His cock and angry red, you know he needs to give in soon.

“Please! Please, I need it. Need you so bad.” You’re not above begging, obviously. And Matty loved it. He groaned, your wet cunt coming in contact with his dick again.

“Need what? Gotta use your words like a big, or I won’t know.” He rubbed his cock down your slit, pressing on top of your clit. He moved his hips forward slightly, and you squeezed your eyes shut.

You threw your head back, “You! Your cock, Matty. Need it inside me.” You tried to close your legs, clenching around nothing and needing friction. Matty gripped your inner thighs, prying them apart and pressing them to either end of the couch.

He lined himself up with your dripping hole again, slipping inside of you slightly. “Gonna give it to you, ruin you.” With that, Matty thrusted inside of you. He started slow, half his cock inside of you. He was stretching you out so good, letting you adjust. “More,” You grit out, teeth clenching in your head.

“Was gonna give it to you gently.” He pressed more of himself inside of you, watching you shake your head. His hand came up to grip your jaw, making you look at him. “You don’t want it slow, right? Just wanna be fucked dumb.” Matty pushed the rest of his cock inside of you. Finally, you were taking him in full.

“Yes! Yes, Sir.” You feel so whole, so full. It makes you want to scream, and you bring your knuckle to your mouth and bite down. You see Matty reaching behind your head for something, and see him with the camera in hand.

He pulls halfway out of you, and the camera shutters yet again. “Look at the way you grip me, christ. Just milking my cock. He starts pounding into you again, hips slapping against yours.

Matty has a steady rhythm, it feels so fucking good for you. You keep clenching around him, and you’re close again from your other orgasm. “Faster, sir. Please.” You jut your lips out. “Wanna cum.” Matty laughs.

“Thought you wanted to be my toy, huh? Sit so pretty for me and take it? That’s dirty, you know, babe. Toys don’t get to cum.” He pouts at you in faux sympathy, eyes casting down towards you. The leather couch was making you sweat now, his gaze piercing through you.

“Please, Sir. Need it so bad, I’ll be so good. I’ll be quiet.” You whined, hips coming off the couch before Matty’s strong hand pushes you back down. Letting your head fall back, a gasp escapes your mouth again when his hand attaches to your clit.

“You’re greedy. Already came once and begging like a slut for it again.” He presses down on your clit, thrusting into you harder. He does go faster, speeding up his rhythm. Your stomach turns and you know you won’t be able to hold it.

Matty’s hand comes to rest lightly on your throat, pressing his thumb into one of the hickeys. “Cum for me, sweetheart. Let go.”

You do, with a shout so loud Matty doesn’t even bother covering it. He’s too focused on reaching his own release. He speeds up even more, riding you through your orgasm and making you overstimulated. “Fuck, fuck. Good girl. Where can I cum, baby?”

“My mouth.” You say with no hesitation, and he pulls out of you cunt. Matty moves up slightly, and pumps his cock above you. You open your mouth and stick your tongue out, and the visual makes him cum. He throws his head back with a loud moan, letting his cock hit your bottom lip.

You swallow, holding his eye contact. He curses under his breath, picking the camera back up and taking a picture of you like that. Then, one with his thumb pulling on your bottom lip before he wipes the corner of your mouth with it.

You giggle. “You taste good.” You watch him step off the couch, searching for your clothes. He finds your underwear and bra, bringing it back over to you. When he realizes there’s nothing to clean you up with, he leans down and licks your cunt.

You shriek out. “Could say the same about how you taste.” He winks at you, handing you your clothes so you can get dressed. He goes to find his own and do the same. You hide your face in your hands.

“No way you’re shy, you just had my dick inside of you.” He rolls his eyes, throwing his shirt back on. Tone full of amusement and disbelief.

“Doesn’t mean you have to be vulgar.” You joke, strapping back into your leggings. The anxiety about Lexi and his band mates is hitting you now, but there’s no going back. “Thank you.”

He looks over, a wide grin on his face. Matty grabs your shoulders. “No, thank you. Best photoshoot of my career.” He walks over to the door, and you take long strides to catch up with him.

You smooth a hand over your hair and straighten out your clothes. It’s no use though, because when you open up the door and walk into the hall with Matty, they all know.

Lexi and the guys all stood there, knowing smiles on their faces. George even starts laughing when you both walk out. Adam’s head hung with his shoulders shaking, and Ross a smirk on his face.

“Think Matty got the all inclusive session, then?” George says, causing the rest of the group to burst out in laughter. You shrink in on yourself, looking over to see Matty’s grin. Lexi shoots you a look. A timid smile, but her eyes say ‘we’ll talk later.’

Matty giggles, humming. “Mhmm, don’t be jealous.” He shrugs looking between Lexi and you. “Contact us again for another shoot, then? We love your work, and would love to come back.” His eyes go to your face for the last bit, and you nod.

They all say their goodbyes, exchanging handshakes and stares. When they walk out, Matty catches your eye again through the window. Waving, and pulling out a cigarette.

…

Later, when you’re cleaning up the studio, you find a folded piece of paper under the front desk. A 10 digit phone number, a small heart and the words Matty scrawled under it.

#divider cred: @cafekitsune #photographer!reader #tea’s writing✍🏻

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mykoreanlove · 11 months ago

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Can I ask one where the reader and Taemin were a couple, broke up and then decided to be friends , but Tae realized he can’t, bc he developed feelings for her again… thanks

“Tae, hurry up! I am starving!”

Your ex-boyfriend hurried up the stairs, your favorite take-out in his hands. “Jesus, y/n, you’re no fun when you’re hungry”, he mocked in a playful tone.

“Yeah, yeah”, you rolled your eyes and grabbed the bag of food.

It was a typical Friday night for you – after getting home from work, taking off your make up and switching into comfy PJs, you always ordered your favorite Chinese take out and ate it together with Taemin.

Years ago, this used to be normal since you were dating him. But now?

“Look at us. Who would have thought that we were better off as friends?”, you cheered happily.

He felt a punch to his stomach. Friends. Taemin was the one who broke your heart about a year ago because he couldn’t handle the intensity of your love anymore. It tore you apart while he seemed to be pretty chill about it. At least that’s what you had thought. He went on vacations, worked on new projects, and even dated around while you were crying your eyes out, ditching your friends and wondered if you could die from heartbreak.

You didn’t notice his changed saddened features and kept on explaining. “You know, back then when you broke up with me? That was the most horrific event in my life. I didn’t know how to be on my own anymore. We’ve been dating for so long, I just got used to being yours. And when you left me, it was hard. Oh, can you pass me the soy sauce?”

Taemin passed you the sauce without saying a word. He hated himself for what he did back then. He was immature and foolish and thought breaking up with you would be for the best. But it was not.

He was just as heartbroken and felt guilty for fucking up the best thing he had ever had in his life. Masking that feeling with vacations, work and other women only did so much.

“But”, you chewed contently on your spring roll, “I got over it and I managed to find a way to stay friends with you. I’m happy now.”

Happy. He was glad that you felt that way, after all he always wanted to see you succeed. But it tore him apart to be excluded from your happiness, at least in the romantical sense.

“Hey, I just read an article last night. It asked what you would do if you knew that you only had one year left to live. What would you do, y/n?”

This question caught you by surprise. That’s what you loved about him – you could goof around but talk about important, deep stuff as well. Taemin always wanted to know what you were thinking, what you liked and what made you, you.

“Can you pass me another beer while I think about it?”

He handed you another bottle and shied away at the touch of your fingers. Luckily, you didn’t notice his cheeks redden.

“Okay. I think I would quit my job and go on vacations for a while. You know all those places on my vision board from back then? I would take all my money and spend it on first class flights, luxurious hotels and once in a lifetime experiences. Oh, and I would take my friends and family with me, so I could share my joy with them.”

Taemin nodded contently. Typical, you always loved to travel, and you always cared for the people in your life.

“Oh, I would call all the people that did me wrong and I would tell them exactly what I think of them. Unhinged. Like the dick that blocked me after he fucked me? Or the mean girls in middle school that bullied me? Or my boss who scolded me for the mistakes of others? Yeah, I’d let them have a piece of my mind. For sure.”

You giggled happily, proud to finally get your vendetta. Taemin watched you and smiled. He always loved your savage side, but you rarely let it come out. He had no idea that all those experiences still lingered in your heart, but he was glad that you were ready to let go of them.

“And, if I only had one year left to live, I’d hope I’d be happy, you know? Knowing that you’re about to die is scary, so I wouldn’t want to ruminate over that. Instead, I would like to count my blessings and live each day as best as I could.”

You took another sip of your beer. Taemin’s eyes didn’t leave you once, he was glued to you. “Why are you looking at me like that? Tae?”

He snapped back to reality and apologized. “Sorry, y/n, I just got lost in my thoughts.”

You clanked your bottle with his and nodded approvingly. “I get it. It’s a tough question after all. So, tell me, what would you do?”

He took a deep breath before answering. Courage was all he needed right now, and he tried his best to gather all of it. Taemin scooched closer to you.

“I would do this”, he said and leaned in for a kiss.

His lips were still as soft as ever, even the touch of his kiss felt familiar. Your head was spinning, your body felt dizzy.

Taemin leaned back and spoke softly, his eyes never leaving yours.

“Y/N, if I had only one year left, I would tell you how I honestly feel about you. Or rather about us. I made the biggest mistake when I broke up with you back then. I hated myself for it, still do. The truth is, I am in love with you. Always have been, always will be.”

Taemin could hear your heart pounding heavily and hoped that was a good sign. You looked flustered, which he didn’t mind. In fact, you were always the most beautiful in his eyes. Your eyes were glistening, intensely focused on his. Was that a good sign? Was there still a chance left for your love?

“Y/N?”

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kaycode1999 · 2 months ago

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hey!! Ik you’re probs a bit busy w these so no rush, but I’d like to request a match up for either mha or kny. My pronouns are she/her and I’m a female, either gender is fine by me!

For personality, Im have the ISFP type. I’m quite introverted, I hate speaking to strangers, or people in general. Crowds kinda scare me as well. I’m pretty shy and meeting new people is especially difficult for me. Im pretty funny (not my own words) and I love to draw, read, write, or anything with creativity tbh. I’m practically married to my Spotify, there’s barely any time you won’t see me without headphones. I get decent grades, but I do tend to get distracted very easily and I zone out a ton! I’m pretty outgoing once you get to know me, and I’m definitely a bit touch and attention starved. My aesthetic is sorta tomboyish ig. I’ve been told multiple times that I dress like I’m homeless lol. My favourite colour is navy blue.i hardly ever wear make up also, I’m just too lazy

I have shoulder length hair that’s sooo thick. It takes forever to brush and I can’t even shower properly w it. I like to dye my hair, and right now it’s purple at the ends with my natural roots (brown). My favourite season is fall just bc where I am we get stormy autumn’s, and I LOVE stormy weather. I usually go outside when it’s raining as well, I adore it.id definitely consider myself an insomniac as well, staying up to ungodly hours of the morning on the days before tests has proven that. It’s nonstop, I can’t remember a single night I went to bed before midnight. This means I also have hella dark under eyes 😭

thx for taking the time to look at this!

(also sry for the bad set up of the request, I rambled)

Demon Slayer/ Kimetsu no Yaiba

I match you with

Mitsuri Kanroji

Mitsuri can be nervous around crowds or people she doesn't know too, or at least she was. I know I saw either a fanart or a manga panel of her hiding in Rengoku’s haori somewhere and it was adorable. So she understands

I think she's gotten more comfortable and able to handle dealing with strangers better now, so she'll take the lead and keep the pressure off of you

She loves your humor and thinks you're hilarious

I think she's creative too, but of your interests she probably shares reading the most

She will give you all the affection you want😂 she's a sweetheart like that

She's not the kind to mind if you don't wear makeup or if dress “tomboyish” she just loves you for you

She'll love to help you take care of your hair, she knows a few things from taking care of her own long thick hair

She's has to stay up all night dealing with demons a lot herself, so she might be up to be there with you anyway

My Hero Academia

I match you with

Dabi/ Touya Todoroki

By nature he's pretty introverted and does not socialize…. Like at all

Your humor was surprising to him, as in he didn't really have anything to genuinely laugh about before you. Now he laughs all the time because of you. *its a small chuckle or maybe even a smirk/smile but a win is a win*

He's more destructive in nature, not creative, but I think over time your creativity rubs off on him

He's attention and affection starved too, unfortunately that means that at first he isn't used to it. But eventually you both get comfortable with each other and giving and receiving affection

He dresses a lot like you so win-win, you get to swap clothes

We've all seen the jokes about him being a hairstylist correct?😂 It would be in a different way than he normally does *through fire* but he would help you with your hair too. He really likes you're colorful hair

He likes rainy/stormy weather as well, so if you go out in it he will definitely join you

Does he ever sleep anyway?😭😭 He’ll more than likely be up along with you

But you guys can have your own special thing when that happens like playing cards or going for walks. Nice quality time

I truly believe Dabi could be good if given the love and affection he deserves so being with you just automatically makes him better

#demon slayer matchup #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba match up #kimetsu no yaiba #kny #mha matchup #my hero academia #bnha matchup #boku no hero academia #mitsuri kanroji #mha dabi #dabi #touya todoroki #demon slayer mitsuri

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sinsandsweetness · 1 year ago

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Hi! I hope you’re doing well 💞 I always see your asks on advice and you seem like such a big sister vibe to me so I wanted to ask and see if you had any advice for me🥹

I’m 19 and I’ll be 20 in April and I’ve never had a Boyfriend or girlfriend or had sex and I feel so so behind. Apart of me wants to get a dating app and try to meet someone but I also want a “meetcute” moment but im just so tired of being single, but also im scared of dating apps bc I feel like they’re all hookups😭😭 but I’m just sad and touch starved and want a partner so bad… and I also wanna have sex. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I don’t have anyone to really talk to about this so thank you if you get this<333

Hi sweetheart,

I can absolutely understand your situation and frustrations. It’s really normal to feel the desire for a partner and sex and everything in between. But I want to make it clear that you are still so young! You aren’t behind at all. I know it’s hard not to feel that way when you hear others talk about losing their v card in highschool or having boyfriends at a young age, but I assure you: you are not behind.

I’m not just saying this to make you feel better either. If I could go back in time and wait longer to start dating and to start having sex, I probably would. Not that I regret my past, because it really has made me who I am. But I definitely know that as we grow and mature, we become more sure of ourselves and our romantic needs. And in my opinion, my 20 year old self was so much more prepared for relationships and sex than my 16 year old self. Or even my 18 year old self.

It’s easy to feel behind, I get it. I feel it in other aspects of life, I really do. But you’re not behind. And if you want a real connection with real intimacy and romance, it will come. It might take some time, but I promise it will come. There’s something so special about learning how to be alone and to love yourself before being with someone else. I know it’s cliche, but when you’re at peace with yourself and you stop looking for something, is when it usually finds you.

If you don’t want just a hookup (which I’m glad you don’t) then I honestly wouldn’t recommend dating apps. I won’t use them and never have, but I have friends who do and the hookup culture with them doesn’t seem to align with the kind of connection I think you are wanting.

My advice for you, my love, is to just be patient. Work on yourself. Put yourself out there. Talk to strangers. Invite the right person into your life by putting out an endearing, positive energy. I know it’s frustrating right now, but it will come. I really believe that.

#hehe I love being a big sister #inbox #anons <3 #sinsandsweetness advice column

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summertimeskinney · 2 years ago

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lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

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pathofreason · 18 hours ago

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didn't wanna admit this bc i didn't want it to be true but it is like all the women i criticise i also started using makeup to hide my insecurities i.e shit like "well my face is pretty and now i also put makeup on top so people will ignore the fact that i'm not skinny and that my body isn't as good looking as my face" (<- imo, because i'm not skinny not because i'm ugly below the neck LMAO) this is embarrassing for me i know HOWEVER i am determined to stop this behaviour and actually finally take losing weight seriously

my motivation can actually be shopping whether that is clothes or makeup it doesn't matter. since i actually like makeup for normal reasons and not what i've been using it for lately i can just come back to that and for example lets say i buy one (expensive) eyeshadow this month instead of buying extra food for 2 weeks. because i'll still be buying food just not nearly as much and i would eat less than normal (both normal for me and what actually should be normal for an adult, i'll get to that aka to eating a healthy amount not just eating food that is good for you but that'll come later once i actually have to maintain instead of lose weight). you might be asking yourself well how will this work and i'm here to tell you that having to call up my parents to send me money for EXTRA food is fucking embarrassing, so i'll either have to portion everything out and eat like a normal person OR i can just overeat for a week and then starve the next week. and it's obvious which one is the more comfortable and normal one. so this is like a win win type of situation. if i fail this i'm shooting myself idgaf

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dumpdaily · 21 days ago

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me when I was 10 btw. I wasn't quiet about the abuse I went through and seeing this school photo when I was digging through my mums shit was wild. She told me off for telling people that she hit me because "you could get taken away from me". The cops would constantly drop me back to her whenever I ran away or asked for help anyways so it didn't matter.

I was the same weight until 15/16 when my weight doubled in a year (bc I started stealing food). 25kg. I will never let myself forget this shit. There was physical evidence of so much of the shit I went through. People have told me so often that I am "obviously lying" and I will hold onto everything like a beacon. My mother told everyone I was a liar. I will not let what was done to me be forgotten.

Most of the time I talk about everything very casually. It was my normal for so long. I often talk about how I had to attempt murder to get my freedom. Along with many other struggles. I can definitely understand how it can be hard to believe someone went through all that stuff and speak as if it's not heavy.

I'm pretty sure my spine issues are from being trampled and shit as a kid and never being taken to the doctors when I needed it. It's really surprising how durable the human body can be when it's also so fragile. It's amazing all the things, all the pain, we can ignore when we're told that it's normal. Told that you're being dramatic. Told that you're lying.

Push yourself too far and keep passing out. That is the only way I knew how to live for so long. People thought I was on drugs or whatever else. They made excuses for why it was okay to treat me a certain way. People still just see the flesh and bone and not the soul trapped underneath.

Some damage can't be undone. And I will kill myself when I am ready. No one will take my freedom from me. I will keep a hold of it until the end. I know where my limits are. At a certain point it is pure cruelty to force someone to stay alive because of your moral beliefs.

if this doesnt make sense it's because i am enraged that despite wearing everything I went through, and telling everyone so bluntly, no one helped me. also it sucks for the kids who had to bear witness to my suffering too bc they couldnt do shit and if any of them went through shit it showed them no one is really willing to do shit about it.

oh my mum asked me a while back if she was a good mum and I told her no and she cried. bitch expected me to lie to protect her precious lil feelings back then. She knows better now. I keep calling her out on her shit with examples. She's only just recently figured out lying to me is a bad idea.

she used to monitor everything i ever did. i kinda hope she sees this. i doubt she'll ever get help. she's always the victim, it always her fault, in her mind it's always something to do with her. she could have been something good but she couldn't stomach being a failure so she ran away from everything.

I'm a failure too. In some ways I am so much like her. I learned the skills that she refused to teach me. I set myself up to be better. And sometimes I lash out, I hurt people in ways I never meant to. I had to learn to say sorry. And I knew that people couldn't handle me. They should never have had to. I should never have been broken as I was. Trying to be better even when I failed eventually meant I didn't lash out as much. Constantly fighting yourself. I'm so tired.

all of this just from seeing a photo of myself when I was suffering the most. I looked like that because I was starved and isolated.

#dumpdaily #vent #tw #trauma #isolation #abuse #tw abuse #child abuse #triggering stuff

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lascapigliata · 7 months ago

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bugs /

going home for mothers day this weekend and it just occurred to me that i would have to leave food out for lila and normally for two nights i wouldn't even think twice about it no big just put out a bunch of food but now?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? i don't want to starve her obviously but how can i leave food out when THAT WAS THE PROBLEM before and i would take all of my prophylactic measures but they're not exactly good for animals which sent me into a tailspin this weekend anyway so like ????? do i just ?? hope that since i now seem to not have ants that if i leave some more food out than usual they won't appear? or do i just say she's a cat and she'll survive a day without food??? does it matter if the crumbs will still be there bc i won't be able to clean them up?? i still have the gravity feeder in my shower where i left it to dry and i've been too scared to go in there which i won't have a choice about tomorrow anyway but i just can't see myself actually USING it again so soon

and the irony of course is that that feeder sat out for like 3 weeks with NO ISSUES and then suddenly there was a massive issue so should i take that to mean that it'll be fine bc it was before??? but what if it was the heat that did it not escaping insecticide? in which case like.. it's still fucking hot! i can't exactly interrogate the dead ants and see why they came in!!!

and i would call my parents to see what they think but i am SO FUCKING SICK OF CALLING OTHER PEOPLE RIGHT NOW i just want to handle one (1) problem or decision by my(1)self. i fucking hate the heat i hate spring i hate summer i hate this all. in the winter this was simply a nonissue and now literally everything is an issue again

like i guess i have to feed her tonight, which i'm procrastinating on hard which is coutnerintuitive i guess but i just realized i haven't gone over to her dish yet today so i'm so scared of what i'll find over there even though i NEED to go deal with it because i NEED to go to sleep etc and i'll just suck it up and call my mom tomorrow and see what she thinks like i know all my various instincts are completely unreasonable in one direction or another

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that-one-daydream-you-forgot · 1 year ago

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overthinking,money TW: rant:

am i the only one who's scared to ask their parents for money even though they said it's ok to ask them for money. but at one point i just adopted the thing they do when they say they don't have money for stuff...and to the point that i'm here going to have a break down. but then again the friend that i'm compering myself to is kinda rich so it's ok if her allowance is more 1.5k/2k a week and she can just ask her parents for money if she's buying something that's either school related or art related....but then again i'm over here bc i'm just very scared to ask for money bc like- i can starve myself so i can get more money- it's not a big deal to me i've done it many times but then again i don't want to seem like a money grabber if i were to ask them for money bc i wanted to buy things to start up a new hobby like jewelry making like those girls on tiktok but then again if i use any of my money i now have to save up to get to the goal of getting 10k (i forgot to say this is in php) to spend on a wedding that's going to happen in Sydney(it's in two years) but now i worry that i might not buy the stuff that i want to bc i will only have 200 aud(exactly 272.85 Australian Dollar) and that i will have left over money bc i'm scared to use my money. i know it's pointless to try and cry over money bc i normally get 100php as my allowance but then again i commute to go back home and if i calculate how much money i will get each month; 1 week = 500 (but -100 bc we won't start until aug 29 and there's no telling how many more days will there be no school this year except for the many goddamn holidays) 500 x 4 will be 2,000 but my commute is normally 30 php so 30 x 5 = will be 150 each week. and 150 x 4 = 600, and 2,000 - 600 = 1,400 but we don't know about the school expenses, dates in where there's no school and i...sometimes even indulge in eating snacks and then i will lose money......i can ask my parents for money for the school stuff but it just feels weird and they're already working hard and they still have to pay off the house and i'm just so goddamn scared...and now there's the topics in where my friends will ask me if we can hang out...i know my mom gives me money but then again i will have to give her the change of the money so i just literally just try not spend anything when hanging out with my friends. i don't really know what to do, i want to but stuff i like but i still need to save for the wedding for two years and i'm not even sure if i'll like the things they're selling there....like- i will probably buy a few stuff but then get scared bc then i will only have a like money that won't really let me buy stuff...idk i just haven't calculated the amount of money that will be needed- i actually asked my mom if i can just get my hair cuts during the free haircut program my school has to let them save money since i don't want them to spend too much money since they already brought me my mac book..and they still have to pay the house, i mean- we aren't broke, my father has a well-paying job and my mom- has her dental clinic and her teaching work...my father is still working on his lawyering business ...like- by no means, we aren't broke..we just....let's just say during the earlier years of my childhood, my mom was still trying to save up money since i used to do to a private school and now i'm here in a public school, trying to not get kicked out since everyone in the school is on scholarship and during the first year they can remove you from the school if you get an average of below 85% (and this is a science-based school by the way) idk i just think they're doing so much yet i can't do anything that well...i don't like singing even though my mom tells me that i sing pretty good...my drawing isn't as like impressive unlike my friends and even my paintings, they surpass me in it.....like- i don't really have anything talented in me that will take me apart from the crowed except for the fact that my irl last name is normally the last one in the list and- i think that's the only thing that's different about me.

every one i know is better than me in one way or another, some of my friends sometimes point out the reasons why they don't like a specific person but i then noticed that i kind of fit that description and i normally ask- "well- i also do that..." and they just like- say things like "well- your {real name} so it's ok" and i have a feeling that they're just telling that bc they don't want me to be sad or upset but i also know that there's a possibility that some of my friends, classmates, peers. don't like me or even talk behind my back, it was even worse since i had one of my closet friends being revealed that he talks shit about me behind my back....i think i'll end this log in this context....i mean...i'm already crying...i can't just go for comfort to my parents bc they'll try to give me advice but i don't think i want advice...sometimes i just want to feel heard out, so i don't feel like a loser in the far corner without anything to show off or be proud of...i just feel like sometimes i'm not really needed here and i'm just a waste of life since i can't even express myself like my peers do...like they can think that i'm angry but i'm not....anger for me is strong...i remembering lashing out at my classmate since they broke something that's mine....i was in a bad mood that day and i just couldn't take it...i apologized and he did too...our relations ship is currently ok...i don't know of this night of aug 23-24 is just one of those nights where i can't really...those nights in which i feel so useless bc i didn't do anything today and my parents got worried since i all i ate was a single piece of pie and then my mom prepared me a meal so i will eat......so yeah...i just feel so useless and like- a raisin cookie....anyway, thank you to who ever reads this

#ajax talks

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apenapaperandadoofus · 1 year ago

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Aaaa I love this! Although I do think that Diluc isn’t exactly disinterested!

Tbh this man has gone through hell (both of em have my poor babies and oh god here I go psycho analyzing again forgive me if it’s too long!)

First things first- Diluc is definitely shut off and more serious because of the four years he was away. He was probably fighting off Fatui and monsters everyday and probably saw a lot of shit which makes him and far more logical (he’s the type to be like get to the point and don’t talk nonsense kinda type.)

So for Kaeya, I feel Diluc KNOWS his brother so well, like they were basically stuck to the hip, and seeing him change so drastically after all this time- Diluc knows that Kaeya is putting up a facade and obviously hates it. He doesn’t hate Kaeya- he just hates how he’s lying and trying to present himself.

Now with the whole fight thing- I’m not going to defend one or the other since emotions were all over the place that day (maybe that’s also why Diluc tries to stay cold- ironic lmao giving he’s pyro- but last time his emotions cut lose he hurt someone he loved.)

Obviously he feels bad about the fight and doesn’t know how to fix it. He probably thinks his brother hates him- should hate him, which is why he tries to keep a distance- at first.

He’s been taking baby steps with Kaeya- and while he doesn’t like the mask his brother is putting on he feels he can’t say anything bc of the fight.

As for this talk- given to how the last Windblumes went (he invited Kaeya over for dinner AND got his favorite food on the tavern) he cares about his brother, he just can’t show it openly because he’s obviously afraid- afraid of hurting him again AND afraid of Kaeya rejecting him.

With the convo for his hangout I honestly think he was joking. He mention the vase Kaeya got him and called it a unique taste (clearly teasing him) because like the vase (which he was like ew wtf Kaeya) he keeps it. If you go to the Dawn winery it’s right there! And this lamp (or whatever it is? Is it a lamp lmao) he 100% kept it too. If not he wouldn’t have accepted either of the gifts and thrown it away.

Tbh I think Kaeya is giving them both as serious gifts but as joke gifts- since he knows Diluc thinks he has a weird ass taste in art and things lmao, so Kaeya does the normal sibling thing of “imma show you I care but not too much cuz fuck you”.

Also he joked with Kaeya with the whole “You used that excuse last year” (which btw implies also that he STILL gave him wine knowing he was lying pfttt. It just seemed like normal sibling banter to me (my little brother and I have had worse 💀.)

Anyway to finish it off, he does give Kaeya the wine, which clearly shows he cares. He just doesn’t say it out loud much. Both siblings just seem to show their care through gifts more so than words, and it makes more sense for their relationship, since they don’t show it a lot, but through the small things they do for each other it’s clear that they care! Clearly Diluc is a more awkward bean than Kaeya and it makes sense bc this man is so emotionally stumped pft. Like Diluc does have a kind of cold tone, but it’s not bc he’s mean or anything, it’s just a result from his vigilante era. And I feel him being so curt sometimes is from that, awkwardness lol. But that’s just how I see it!

And that’s the beauty of the angst in their relationship imo, both of them keep trying in actions but aren’t communicating, and they clearly misunderstand each other because they feel so unworthy of the forgiveness- that’s why they need to go to family therapy.

Anyway oof I wrote all this before eating and am starving so maybe I’ll add to it later. Sorry I just love discussing characters pftttt.

Suddenly possessed with kaeya hangout thoughts. I enjoyed it a lot and one thing that really kills me about it was playing the route with Diluc in it last and seeing the sheer contrast in how Diluc interacts with Kaeya vs literally everyone else

Especially with the Dawn Winery routes; I feel they hammer it in over and over how much Kaeya is loved and how everyone at the Winery he grew up with misses him and wants him to be happy. Turner talks about being worried there’s something “deep rooted” that’s bothering him, even if Kaeya doesn’t open up about it, and Adelinde asks how he’s doing and seems worried him having friends and being okay with where he is in life (Kaeya reassures her at the end of the ending Klee shows up to see him in with “see? You don’t need to worry about me. I have lots of people to care for me now”)

You also see Kaeya go out of his way to give all of his friends/loved ones gifts, and they are very intentional about pointing out how everyone regards Kaeya’s gift as very thoughtful and in line with their tastes/what they may need—and how Kaeya may be secretive or not shoe things sometimes but does make sure to show he cares in ways that feel comfortable for him

And then you get to his interactions with Diluc and like. Oh god. It made me so sad. It’s kind of agonizing bc Kaeya is clearly like, trying to lightheartedly banter/joke with Diluc to lighten the mood, and Diluc just seems really disinterested in it :( especially when right after this he brushes off Kaeya’s gift and seems vaguely disdainful of it. The fact their relationship has deteriorated to where it seems Kaeya doesn’t even know what to gift Diluc the way he knew what to get everyone else is extra salt in the wound

But he tries anyway—a lot of how Kaeya interacts with Diluc often just feel like he’s doing nothing but trying to reach out. And it’s not that Diluc completely shuts him down every time, I don’t think Diluc doesn’t care about Kaeya. I don’t think Kaeya suffering or being in harm’s way would make him happy in the slightest, and I wouldn’t even say he hides that..but he doesn’t give Kaeya much beyond that. And they could go in circles about what emotions or reactions to their situation are justified or not, but at the end of the day there is still the question of how both people involved should move forward on it

It just makes me really sad when I think about how Kaeya has struggled with being an outsider and needing to figure out his place in the world far more than Diluc has ever had to—and I think it’s clear that really factors into how he values his relationships with the people around him. I think he’s had to grapple with how he feels about holding grudges, or resentment, and forgiveness both towards himself and others a lot more to be at peace with himself than Diluc as well. Both Kaeya and Diluc are pretty emotionally repressed in my opinion but man it is really something watching the person who seems to distance and repress far more out of self preservation/fear try to reach out over and over. I don’t even mean to be disparaging to Diluc here, I find the way he’s stubborn in a very brute force way and is definitely someone to hold a grudge if it goes against what he beliefs really interesting…but it just makes the state of their dynamic extra tragic to me because reconciliation isn’t something that can be solved, or avoided into irrelevancy, with brute force—and I think both Kaeya and Diluc just don’t really know what to do.

I think Kaeya wants to try, but that doesn’t mean much if they both aren’t trying :( even if Diluc is currently trying, I think it’s still being done out of not really coming to a set decision on how to confront his emotions about it

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ghoullguy · 2 years ago

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(ED) so i was reading this one yoi fanfic and i have some complaints bc im a bitch like that

so in this fanfic, which im not gonna name bc god forbid the author sees this and shit starts, yuuri quit skating bc of an ed

now, i have an ed. ive had several actually, since i was 11. first it was bed, which led to ana, which i'd gone into recovery for by 16, after losing a shit ton of weight and muscle, which as a figure skater, affected my skating. i relied on muscle to power me through jumps, and once i lost all the weight and my muscle, it made it difficult for me. so, i recovered. then, at 17, i injured my hip and couldnt skate for a while. this completely ruined me. i was convinced that because i had to take off time to heal, i could never compete again. i was too old, and eventually, too fat to ever be anything in the skating world. i relapsed, and the past year and a half has been a constant cycle of starving, then binging and purging. eventually, it became full on bulimia. i had a month or so back in december where i ate normally and felt normally about it, but then it came back, starving instead of purging this time. needless to say, i am experienced with eating disorders and recovery from them.

this fanfiction portrays ana as a fear of food. that is absolute bullshit. talk to any anorexic, and you'll see that people w eds fucking LOVE food. its what drives us, its all we think about. its not the food itself we're "scared" of, its the weight and what that implies about us. for me, having done ballet and skating for my entire childhood, i felt pressure to be thin so i could deserve to be a skater and a danseur. if i wasnt thin, i felt like someone pretending to be those things. that, and i have to push myself to exhaustion to feel like i deserve to eat. it is NOT a fear of food. repeatedly throughout this fic, yuuri is shown being legitimately afraid of food, even crying while eating. that is the most cliche, unrealistic portrayal of eds, and it makes the fic much worse bc of it. its a little infuriating actually, bc it shows that whoever wrote this doesnt understand the experience of actual anorexics. and before you shit talk me, saying everyone has different experiences, i have several friends, both irl and online, who also have eds. none of us have ever acted like that. ever. go on any ed forum, and no one will say thats what having ana is like. its the way the media portrays eds, not the actual reality of having an ed.

then comes the recovery arc, though arc is a kind word for it. basically, phichit and yuuri have a talk, he eats three meals that same day, and the only struggles hes shown having is gaining three pounds. now, when you have an ed, three pounds feels like thirty. i can understand that part. however, yuuri just decides to recover, and never goes back on that decision, never is shown having anxiety abt recovering. he just... starts eating. that is absolutely NOT how recovery is. then, in a later scene, he and viktor are abt to have sex. despite his prior insecurity about gaining three lbs, he shows no hesitation in showing his body to viktor. then, the morning after, he (unprompted) starts talking abt wanting pancakes. do i even have to say that this is unrealistic??? does this author not realize that the first person someone w an ed worries abt after gaining weight is their partner??? especially asking for and talking abt such calorie dense food, anyone w an ed would be worried that their partner would see them as fat, or worse, assume they were faking their ed. so yuuri, who just entered recovery, just being fine w viktor seeing him with new weight, fine w him seeing him eat food that makes you fat is just so so so wrong. it feels like this author watched to the bone once and decided they knew everything abt eds.

so, in conclusion, if ur going to write a fic w eds as a prominent plot point/character feature, make it realistic. or, better yet, DONT FUCKING DO IT IF YOU DONT HAVE AN ED. DONT WRITE ABT AN ED YOU DONT HAVE. bc u will never understand the experience of living with it and through it. if you want to read my own fanfiction abt eds, my ao3 is linked in my bio and the work is for bungou stray dogs, its called None of Your Concern.

last but not least, if u feel the need to argue w me or be mean, the block button is a couple of clicks away. if you dont use it, i will <3

#yuri on ice fanfiction #fanfiction #tw ed #ghoull rants

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ourflagmeansgayrights · 7 months ago

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over on the horny sideblog (well. the hornier sideblog) i reblogged a rare edizzy piece (and uh, warning/disclaimer abt that art and fic here) and now i am thinking abt what The Canon Edizzy Dynamic is. to me. BIG warning for mentions of dubcon/noncon

general stuff abt ed and izzy's relationship that i think is pretty strongly supported by canon:

izzy did not meet ed until blackbeard was already well established. more on that take here.

at the beginning of the show izzy is like the only person ed has regular conversations with. izzy takes advantage of this and will stretch the truth sometimes when giving ed reports.

during the kraken era ed's isolation from the crew gets even worse. izzy is practically ed's sole source of any sort of human interaction that isn't violence.

ed and izzy were never physically or emotionally intimate. izzy thinks he understood ed and they had some unspoken deep bond (more on that take here) but in 2.01 he realizes that ed is not nearly as invested in their relationship as he is, and in 2.03 he realizes that what he felt for ed is not even close to what stede feels for ed.

some more headcanon-y (but still supported by canon) stuff about their pre-canon dynamic:

ed chose izzy to be first mate firstly bc he knew izzy did not have what it takes to be a captain. izzy's not charismatic enough to lead ppl and nobody's gonna follow izzy in a mutiny against THEE blackbeard. izzy also does not know enough about sailing to be able to make decisions about navigation and whatnot.

the other big reason ed made izzy his first mate is bc ed is very familiar w guys like izzy and he knows how to deal with them. mean older white guy with very specific ideas about what it means to be a man?? ed was rasied by a guy like that. ed's first captain was a guy like that. ed can handle izzy just fine. and if izzy is a bit of a dick and is constantly being an ass to him, well, ed's used to that too. he can take it.

ed being isolated from his own crew is not something izzy masterminded on his own to keep ed under his control so much as it's something ed gradually started doing out of very reasonable distrust of other pirates and not wanting to be seen as vulnerable. if the crew sees him laughing and hanging out they're gonna realize that the legendary blackbeard is just a normal ass guy and anyone can easily build a name for themselves as The Guy Who Killed Blackbeard. also ed isolates due to depression.

like i said before tho, izzy definitely takes advantage of the situation. ed relies on him for info and izzy does not always present info truthfully.

when ed does talk to other ppl in his crew it is not a casual friendly conversation, it's ed talking to an employee. the only time ed gets to actually have a conversation w someone who doesnt work for him is when he runs into jack or any other pirate friends he might have from before he became blackbeard. this doesnt happen often.

so ed is kinda starved for just like. a friend. and izzy is the only person he talks to. but izzy always maintains this air of like, "i am a loyal first mate doing my duty to my captain" whenever they're talking even if ed's just trying to have a drink and relax with him. it gets exhausting for ed.

the only time izzy isn't talking to ed like that is when izzy is bitching about something. this is just pure headcanon time but i think sometimes ed would intentionally wind izzy up just to get him to drop the "yes sir blackbeard" shtick for a minute.

what im saying is that for years ed's main options for socializing were people falling over themselves to obey him, his first mate talking to him like a robot, or his first mate calling him an insane and unpleasant twat who would be dead a million times over if it weren't for him.

now here's what i think is going on with izzy, disclaimer that this is pretty firmly just headcanons bc canon does not rlly confirm a hwole lot abt this guy lol:

izzy is strictly attracted to men.

izzy has a very rigid mental framework regarding what he thinks being a man means. i personally don't care enough about izzy to come up with a rich backstory to explain this, to me it's just "ex british navy, became a pirate in his 30s," so his standards of masculinity are very much informed by ahistorical ofmd british society. that doesnt rlly matter at all tho, the only thing that's important is that izzy has some very weird ideas about what it means to be a man.

those ideas are basically just glorifying power and thinking the best expression of power is through violence. also rejection of things that are feminine, soft, or emotional. rejection of vulnerability, and also rejection of open expressions of sexuality.

like, yknow how some ppl's idea of masculinity includes having a lot of sex with women? well bc izzy's gay that doesnt work for him. he is ashamed of his desire for men so his idea of idealized masculinity does not include openly expressing attraction. the calico jack style of openly bragging abt his sexual exploits does not apply to izzy.

izzy's repressed attraction to men and his belief of power and violence as the true measure of manhood have combined in his brain. the thinks men expressing brutal violence is hot. he's attracted to power.

like mostly i think izzy gets horny for being overpowered by a stronger man. it's like, he's not supposed to want to have sex with men, but if a stronger and more powerful man forces himself on izzy then it's not izzy's fault.

essentially: izzy wants ed to violently top him.

also tho i DO think that izzy can top. i think he'd top if some tougher guy was like, telling him to do it (altho that would also shatter his concept of how sex works bc izzy's very top=dom and sub=bottom). i do think izzy also would be turned on by being the more "powerful" one during sex, especially if he thinks he's overpowering a man who should be overpowering him.

ed:

is not attracted to izzy

is horrified by his capacity for violence

subconsciously desires approval from izzy bc izzy reminds him of his dad. this is not something i think ed ever realizes about himself in canon but there's a LOT to play with there in fics.

ed would only top izzy if he was in a deeply unhealthy headspace leading up to it. topping izzy the way izzy wants to be topped would reinforce ed's belief that he's a monster and would essentially be a form of emotional self-harm for ed.

so like the way i see it. canon dynamic edizzy smut is either izzy topping from the bottom and trying to incite ed to do horny violence towards him and ed hating every second of it, or it's izzy taking advantage of ed and ed seeking izzy's approval. either way tho ed is having a Very Bad Time

oh and also daddy kink. like rlly fucked up, deeply unhealthy daddy kink.

#txt #meta #mine #og #izzy hands #edward teach #blackhands #izzy critical #<- i guess??

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troglobite · 2 years ago

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late night “staring into a bathroom mirror while i take care of my hives and brush my teeth” thoughts

fatness is basically a disability under the social model of disability but not the medical one

i’m sure something like that has been said or posited before, but i am a lowly piece of shit who has not Done My Reading on everything, so y’know

also thinking a lot abt how ppl talk abt fatness around me

how i didn’t worry abt being fat until my mom projected her insecurities onto me and then being anxious and terrible at socializing i picked them up even more

and also when kids harassed me for being fat and ugly all the time

and how my thin friend in france who’s back w her abusive ex and didn’t tell me and won’t have a normal conversation w me and who i can barely stand to talk to anymore so i’m just. Avoiding That. bc we’d go months without talking for years before this and it only changed bc of her abusive ex.

ANYWAY

her

when we were in middle school she’d insist i wasn’t fat

bc that’s a Bad Thing, right? and she can’t admit that her best friend has something Wrong With Them! that’d be terrible!

and now she’s obsessed w fitness and feels bad for eating “too many” carbs when clearly her body handles them just fucking fine and she LOVES food and is so passionate

and she tries so carefully to not say fatphobic things in front of me about how much she eats, but the fact that she’s self-conscious abt it at all belies the fact that she is deeply fatphobic

not in a cruel way. in a truly phobic way.

i’ve said this before but she went on her daily runs while so sick she could barely function.

ANYWAY.

point being.

i need people to not spout fatphobic bullshit around me about themselves.

it’s part and parcel with the whole thing of “stop saying self-deprecating shit about yourself. you’re making someone who loves you forced into the position of Disagreeing With You or Insulting You, neither of which they want to do. it’s mean.” and also “stop insulting famous people for physical attributes, bc they’ll almost certainly never see it but all of your friends with those physical attributes WILL see it and be hurt by it.”

same thing

eradicate fatphobia from your life as much as fucking possible

food is not a disease

eating is not a disease

being fat is not a disease

and for the record, diseases ARE NOT A MORAL FAILING.

SO EVEN IF THEY ARE (WHICH THEY FUCKING AREN��T) THAT WOULD BE FINE

fatness is not a moral failing

it is not a failure that needs to be fixed

it is not a bad or ugly thing

it just IS

some people are just fat! everyone’s weight fluctuates ALL THE TIME! it’s NORMAL and FINE!

and fat people apparently live longer when we don’t have doctors trying to kill and starve us or missing severe medical issues bc they just kept recommending diet and exercise

restricting your food intake and what types of food you eat will basically never help your health. ever.

adding in extra foods that your body needs WILL help.

allowing yourself to enjoy foods without guilt WILL help.

even i, master of being Too Autistic to commit to highly disordered eating and Incapable of ignoring what my body wants re: food and most other things, will occasionally feel that sinking pit of fear and despair of eating the “wrong” thing and how they’ll “add up” and having to reassure myself that i also eat “good” foods.

our society is fucked up and evil and makes NOT feeling that way Very Fucking Difficult.

but it sucks ass so do your best to counter that bullshit

you deserve to eat food

food is nourishment for your body, mind, heart, and soul. food is cultural. food can be soothing and fulfilling. we quite literally NEED IT TO LIVE.

starvation is never the answer, never the solution. it should never be inflicted upon ANYBODY. EVER. self-imposed or by the inaction and cruelty of the system.

doing it to yourself makes sense in our fucked up shitty evil society. but it won’t help you accomplish what you actually want, which is to feel better and be accepted and loved.

idk how many fat ppl we need to see in wonderful healthy loving relationships before we all believe and accept for ourselves and others that fat people are attractive and worthy of love and relationships.

lizzo and mary lambert are two ppl who i LOVE for this. lizzo was so cute and cagey abt her relationship but now she’s like “no yeah he’s the gemini i keep singing abt lololololol” and it’s ADORABLE. her man is Handsome and sounds sweet af based on her documentary. she’s such a fucking sweetheart and SHE’S HOT AS HELL.

SHE’S POWERFUL AND LOVING AND SWEET AND GOOFY AND HARDWORKING AND TALENTED AND HOT AS FUCKING HELL. BITCH!

and mary lambert is the same, just quiet and different and she has her own wonderful partner and they got married and i’m just!!!! I’M JUST!!!!!! THEY’RE SO SWEET!!!!!!!

fatness doesn’t preclude you from worthiness or love or health or joy or anything.

it’s v much the thing someone was talking abt on twitter

“i used to say i was estranged from my dad bc i’m gay.

now i say that i’m estranged from him bc he’s homophobic.

the reframing has helped.”

ppl do not miss opportunities bc they are fat. they miss them bc other ppl are fatphobic.

there is nothing wrong w being fat. there is nothing wrong w me for being fat. there is nothing wrong w YOU, whoever is reading this (if anyone at all) for being fat.

BE FAT! IT’S FINE! IT’S BETTER THAN FINE--IT’S GREAT!!!!

it’s just wild bc like my mom has a couple health things rn and so do i, and they are being exacerbated by the weight we’ve gained.

but you wanna know how much that is?

like 10-15 pounds. max. for each of us.

now THAT is a sustainable abt to lose and keep off--and it’s not to be thin. it’s not bc being thin will magically fix all health problems.

but it’s bc those are pounds that are above what our bodies treat as our natural set point weight.

i hit mine before the pandemic and the sheer VOLUME of stress from grad school and the pandemic has made me gain weight and has also triggered the start and flare up of health issues i didn’t even know that i had. which is scary and awful. and part of it is living in this fucking house bc our allergies were NOT made to live in a fucking fertile valley surrounded by farms.

point being.

being fat was not a problem for either of us.

those extra few pounds are from a source outside of what is considered Normal, and are just slightly above what our bodies like to sit at for weight. and the difference in what our bodies prefer is what’s causing issues, not being fat.

the same would be true if we were underweight.

and i’m just. so fucking tired. of seeing ppl i love hate themselves for something that

1. isn’t an actual problem

2. isn’t a failure

3. isn’t a medical risk

4. is a normal human variation

right now my body has a few aches & pains & difficulties that it wouldn’t have if i was 10-15 pounds lighter and had more muscle mass.

//shrug

okay.

i’d still be fat, though. and that wouldn’t be a problem.

being fat can be a lot on a body if it’s above your natural set weight--which again isn’t fully stabilized until LATE into your 20s or even later, afaik--and being significantly UNDER your natural set weight is EQUALLY as bad (if not more in my opinion and based on what i know)

it’s okay to complain abt aches and pains. it’s okay to verbalize struggling w the social issues surrounding being fat. that’s commiseration. that’s dealing w bigotry, personal and systemic. that’s okay.

the solution is never to get thinner, tbh. it won’t solve anything. it causes new problems.

it reinforces the fatphobia and self-hatred

bc if you can’t maintain it

if you suffer for it

you’ll just ignore all the warning signs of serious health problems

you’ll do ANYTHING to be thin

not healthy, not happy, not safe, not loved

thin

thinness is not a magic pill that fixes everything in your life

it doesn’t make ppl more attractive, or happier, or healthier, or anything.

it can make some bigots treat you better.

but i personally don’t want anything from anyone who would only give it to me under certain conditions (within reason, we live under late stage capitalism and we all need money to live and eat, etc.)

why would i want to change anything abt myself to get the love and affection or acceptance of ppl who wouldn’t accept me As I Am? or under Any conditions?

ppl who will only accept you under their specifications don’t actually accept you.

it’s a hollow and meaningless “victory”

and it’s really fucking late and i should’ve been asleep two hours ago.

i’m tired. i’ve had a headache. a sinus headache that made my eye feel like i’d been punched. my MCAS is truly acting out. my hives are intolerable. the sweating is intolerable. i am tired and headachey and i have Shit To Do. i am constantly dealing w stress that is impossible for me to manage. i am perpetually at my breaking point.

but being fat is not one of the things that’s breaking me. it’s not the root problem.

if i think a bad thing abt my fat body and how i’ve gotten a very significant belly over the pandemic--

it’s not my body or being fat.

the bad thing is the ppl who made me feel terrible for being fat.

i could go on.

i feel like trash right now.

but when that happens i really have to hammer it home to myself and anyone who will listen.

my problems with my body are so far beyond whether or not i’m fat. that doesn’t matter. my body is what it is and i will try and take care of it no matter what.

but also it’s a rat bastard who has to fucking COOL IT with the hives and sweating. lol

anyway. body neutrality. you are your body. i am my body. they are not separate. you cannot punish your body into fitting a shitty little mold that the world’s Worst Fucking Society created. you cannot punish yourself or your body into experiencing happiness. you will only teach it self-loathing and fear and dissatisfaction.

the ‘you’ is just as much directed at myself as some hypothetical or general you.

sometimes i’m autistic and annoying and just have to ramble. sometimes i have a lot of thoughts and feelings. sometimes i want to fucking scream at the world and make it disappear so i can rebuild it better and give power to the people who need and deserve it, so that things can be communal and happy and Good.

and sometimes me rambling like this is my pathetic tiny futile attempt to make things better.

i just now am thinking abt the volume of student papers where i left comments addressing their blatant misinformation and fatphobia. all i can hope is that i made enough of an impression that it lives in their mind, now, and hopefully has shaped how they treat themselves and others.

i’m tired of ppl hating themselves for being fat. i’m tired of them doing it at all, feeling that way, and also saying it in front of me--as though i’m not fat or can’t be hurt by their words.

even my mom has stopped. she makes some comments abt being insecure sometimes. but truly i GENUINELY think lizzo--who she legitimately calls her hero, and i think/know it’s true, and it SHOULD be!--has seriously helped her.

it’s not like my mom has led an empty life. and she’s been fat the whole time. and lizzo is this fucking amazing reminder that being fat is just that--being fat. that’s it.

it really makes me happy to think abt how much better my mom has gotten abt this stuff. how angry she gets w me abt fatphobic bullshit. we don’t talk abt our weights in a negative way anymore, and we hold space for when we feel shitty abt it, too.

we can talk abt efforts to lose weight and know that we mean 10-15 pounds bc it will help us feel physically comfortable, and those efforts will also help w a few health things we have going on.

it’s just. i’m happy abt that.

i wish that for everyone.

i just wish i could stop everyone’s pain around this sort of thing. it’s so hard to undo. and it’s so insidious.

GOD I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP IT’S FUCKING 5 AM ALKSDF ASDLSDJFLASKDFJ

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